Fairweather Fools

Big win for free speech advocates today. The supreme court ruled that corporations are free to advertise for political candidates however they might wish (5-4 split along party lines – guess who voted with big business?), overturning laws (and rulings upholding said laws) that date back as far as the forties. The basis for the ruling is that, get this – we are preventing the 1st Amendment rights of corporations. Sounds, well, ludicrous, right, since the constitution was written to protect citizens? Ah, but a corporation is a citizen in the eyes of US law… which I guess is fair, since the law has eyes and justice is blind… though it seems those should be flipped now, since the law is blind and justice sure as hell seems well aware of her surroundings… and truth in politics seems to be a monkey riding a dolphin at this point… but I digress into endless legal personifications…

Here’s the thing about the corporate citizen – he’s a hell of a guy! He’s fucking loaded, but pays barely a dime in taxes. He can be sued by an individual, but will tie the plaintiff up in court for a tenth of their life with endless funding, teams of lawyers, and armies of PI’s to boot. This is a guy who can commit a crime but rarely gets caught, and when he gets caught he can be prosecuted but never goes to jail. If you speak out against him though, he’ll try to have you sued for breach of contract or prosecuted for a crime (like libel) knowing that you can actually go to jail. He’s got every branch of local, state, and federal government stacked with his people. He gives elected officials money through proxy to ensure they’ll protect him, and now he can guarantee that his people get elected by canvasing the airwaves with his own advertisements! Plus, he never dies unless his shareholders kill him, and he concentrates power by consuming those like him.

To sum up, according to US law, corporation = Highlander. You = nuisance.

Anyway, here are some campaign slogans you might hear in the near future.

1. Cheetos supports Rod Blagojevich for King of Awesome – It ain’t easy bein’ greedy.
2. Trojan supports John Boehner for Congress – Protect your Boehner with Trojan!
3. Humana and United support Both Houses of Congress – Fucking thank you all so much!
4. Israeli Genocide Missile Corp. supports Barack Obama for President -  “I didn’t see them fire any rockets. Next time, come find me.”
5. Virgin Islands Off-Shore Holdings Company supports Kwame Kilpatrick for Mayor of Detroit – Next time, hide your money with us, dumbass.
6. The Argentinian Travel Bureau supports Mark Sanford for South Carolina Governor – Come to Argentina and fuck your secret soul mate!
7. The Bellagio supports Nevada’s John Ensign for Senator – What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, unless you fuck an intern.
8. United Negro College Fund supports Harry Reid for US Senate – What? We still say it.
9. Playgirl supports Massachusetts’ Scott Brown for US Senate – Who is this wonderful naked man? Your next senator, that’s who.
10. Huggies supports John Edwards for Mac Daddy 2010 – Even your bastard love child needs a place to shit.

In other news, Goldman Sachs posted the largest 4th quarter profit in it’s 140 year history. It’s time America. Take your cyanide pills.

As most everyone has heard by now, Sarah Palin took a job over at FOX News. What you may not know is that a pilot show was recorded for the FOX network. Luckily, we’ve obtained a copy of the transcript.

Fox and Friends Shoot Animals From Helicopters

PALIN VOICEOVER: Today, me and my friend Glenn Beck are traveling to a magical, exotic place. The natives, called Orientals, are a mysterious and disturbing population of heathens. There’s over a billion of the little suckers though! Better figure out a way to sell products to these godless folks, don’t ya think? But we didn’t come here to sell capitalism to these commies. Not today anyway. Let’s save that for when I’m secretary of state, k? No, today, we came to shoot monkeys from a chopper! Did you guess where we are yet? That’s right. India!

“Well Glenn, we’re here in our cammo with our automatic rifles loaded. I’m ready to smoke some slant-eyed commie monkeys! How ’bout yourself?”

“I don’t… I think you might be confused about where we are.”

“Glenn, if I had time to keep up with brown foreigners, I wouldn’t be much of a politician, would I?”

“I guess it depends… on, um, your values and backgr-”

“There ya go, Glenn! Good christian values -

“-family”

“right, family values and white-

“-conservative”

“darn! conservative- background! That’s what we’re here to spread! Now what do you say we shoot some monkeys, huh Glenn? Death from above!”

“DEATH FROM ABOVE!”

“Well let’s get this bird in the air and do it to it!”

PALIN VOICEOVER: As Glenn and I soared over the jungles of India, I thought about all the brave men who gave their lives flying missions over these jungles during the Vietnam war, except instead of monkeys, they were firing on indianese! I’d have to keep myself from doing the same, but boy do the injuns make themselves easy to spot, what with those big hats and all!

[Screaming in helicopter]

“It’s amazing to think about all of those brave American veterans flying over this jungle 40 years ago, huh Glenn?”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Look! Monkeys!”

“MONKEYS!”

[Footage of monkey troop in clearing being shot in the back]

PALIN VOICEOVER: Glenn was so surprised when I fired on those little guys, he almost fell straight out of the helicopter, don’t you know! But he got into it pretty quick!

“DIE FUCKERS! DIE!”

“Isn’t this the most fun you ever had Glenn?”

“IT’S GREAT! I SNORTED SOME BLOW I GOT OFF G-DUB RIGHT BEFORE WE GOT IN THE CHOPPER! THIS IS THE GREATEST THRILL OF MY LIFE!”

“G-dub’s my HERO!”

“YEAH I KNOW SARAH! I…I know.”

“Wanna put your hand on my breast?”

“SURE!”

“CHENEY!”

“CHENEY!”

So Glenn and I flew over the green jungles of India, hand on boob, firing automatic rifles on communist monkeys for hours. I’ll tell you, it was a great time. In the end, I like to think we did some good for the environment that day, what with their monkey infestation and all. And, whew!, did we have some fun buzzing local villages! You should have seen the looks on their faces when their shanties fell over! And when I shot a few of their babies on accident… oh, I’ll tell ya!

Ahhh, Christmas. That wonderful time of year that we all put aside our religious differences and worship Jesus. Forget the fact that this holiday was strategically timed to supplement longstanding pagan solstice rituals. After all, who would want to celebrate the accomplishments of man on a day that marries the earthly with the galactic, when we can pick a random day to worship the birth of a 2010 year old alien who plans on returning to earth one day, using our planet as an inter-dimensional battlefield to resolve a dispute between his father and an evil alien overlord named Lucifer, a fight that has been brewing since (almost) the dawn of time? I mean, it’s just great. It’s like Scientology, well, except you aren’t forced to pay through the nose to find out about it. I guess it’s more like Transformers. You check it out when you’re willing to completely suspend your disbelief for entertainment purposes, yet are somehow left bored and disillusioned by the whole thing. I don’t know who Jesus is in Transformers. Bumblebee, I guess.

Anyway, here’s a wishlist for those last minute shoppers out there. I will accept cash alternatives of equal or greater value.

1. I want Britney Murphy and Heath Ledger to resurrect themselves by sucking out Mel Gibson and Russell Crowe’s life force. Maybe that’s an Easter thing?
2. I want another Nirvana album. In Utero was good, but leaving off on it? A real release – not Unplugged (yes, great) or that crap that Kourtney pushed out – the retrospective, not Francis Bean. Which leads to my third wish.
3. I want Kourtney Love’s head mounted above my fireplace, contorted into the same exact look as when she found out that her 17 year old daughter was going to live with her paternal grandmother. I mean, really let this sink in. That girl is SEVENTEEN, daughter of Kurt Cobain. She had two options – one to live the seventeen year old dream of sex, drugs and rock-and-roll in LA, the other to live a quiet year with her grandmother. The only hitch with living the dream? Spending one more year around Kourtney Love. “Grandma, good god please, let me come stay. I won’t be a problem.”
4. I want to shake Berlusconi’s assailant’s hand, and ask him if he’s got one more in him for Cheney.
5. I want to travel back in time to 16 year old Newton, and give him the gift of sexting. Then again, who am I kidding? I wasn’t getting laid.
6. I want to travel back in time to 14 year old Newton, and tell him to start getting laid and eating drugs with a fury.
7. I want a good rehab clinic for 17 year old Newton.
8. I want to go back in time to before I published this, and stop 29 year old Newton from trying to disturb the time-space continuum to get himself laid and fucked up. [BUT THAT'S THE PRESENT!!!]
9. Cowboys Superbowl. That’s right. I like pro-football. What? Sukit Austin. We didn’t all go to football colleges.
10. I want the power to feed on the dreams of children to fuel my eternal youth. Or maybe I already have it… where do you learn to use something like that? Internet, maybe? Anybody have a link?

Merry fucking XMAS, everybody.

“I’ve let my family down. Please remember that I am only human… and that my name is Tiger. Remember that too.” Sobering words from a man who stands accused of monkey rape now, in addition to up to ten alleged human affairs.

“Clearly, it wasn’t rape. If my client had any relations with this chimpanzee, and I’m not saying he did, it was purely consensual,” commented Mr. Woods’ lawyer.

‘Chasing chimp’, or ‘gettin’ some disturbingly strange’ as it’s known in many ape-rape circles, is illegal in most states, or heavily regulated, as in California, where the incident allegedly took place.  PETA has already released a statement berating the iconic golf professional.

“If Mr. Woods is guilty, this is much worse than any of his other indiscretions,” says a PETA spokesperson. “We have specific laws in place to ensure the animal is treated fairly. Hotel staff has confirmed only one banana smoothie and one large bouncy red ball were delivered to their room. California penal code 143.216 states there’s a 4 smoothie, 2 ball minimum for any ape or monkey love session.”

“Oh, there were 2 balls on hand, and plenty of my homemade banana smoothie to go around, baby,” responded Mr. Woods.

The chimpanzee in question, Petunia McCrackers, was reached for comment, which was mostly unintelligible, save some sign language about her clitoris.

It’s unclear to FF editors where the chimp clitoris is found, if it even exists.

Internet chat rooms are already abuzz with talk of four or five other animal mistresses. So far, one goat, two potbelly pigs, and a dolphin have all come forward. They worked at the same LA nightclub with Ms. McCrackers, a club Mr. Woods was known to frequent when on the west coast, Barnyard Safari Erotica.

A male chimp, Mr. Bongo “Banana Pants” Bermuda, has come forward alleging an affair as well. Mr. Woods responded quite vehemently. “Fuck that. I’m no fagot.”

A study released this week indicates that loneliness can be contagious. Yup. *sigh* Well, OK. Here’s a list of some other crazy crap I’ve noticed is becoming contagious.

1. Fat asses – I see these all over the place now! There were a lot fewer when I was kid…
2. My poor attitude – Anywhere I go – the workplace, my shrink, the strip club, the grocery store – I can make people yell and throw things at me. It’s contagious.
3. AIDS – Happy AIDS awareness week! I’m doing my part by pricking strangers in the arm with a sewing needle as I get off the bus, then leaving a note in their coat pocket saying they now have AIDS. Walk a mile in a man’s shoes…
4. Tattoos – More people in Austin  turning up with these every time I turn around. Symptoms include hallucinogen/alcohol abuse and an undeserved sense of accomplishment.
5. Patriotism – Blind faith, lack of secondary education, low MPG vehicles and Christianity seem to be preconditions.
6. Heart Attacks – More people at my work and in my methamphetamine sewing circle are having these. I can’t find any connection in lifestyle or body type though, with the exception of junk food.
7. Unemployment – This one’s everywhere now! I think we caught it from the French.
8. Kitty AIDS – I didn’t think humans were even susceptible to this one. Neither did my doctor. I’m in a medical journal now! And I have a whole list of friends’ cats I have to call.
9. Hipster jerks laughing at guys with Blackberries – You get this when you buy an IPhone. They pipe it through the vents at Apple and AT&T stores. Suddenly a guy with a Blackberry and a ‘Bush/Cheney ’04’ shirt isn’t cool enough for you anymore. I tell you the shirt’s ironic, but you say that’s impossible since I own a Blackberry. Yeah, well, guess what else I own? A gun, asshole. Fuck off. Enjoy your network outages during ACL.
10. Abusing duster – Anybody else hear this is getting big? Just say no to duster abuse, in the workplace and at home, unless you’re looking for a brief yet pure state of euphoria.
11. Increasing sense of one’s own mortality – anybody else noticing this one? It started happening to me and a bunch of my friends a month ago, right after we all started huffing duster. We’ve been running into a bunch of walls and crashing our bikes a lot too… maybe these are all related. If only I hadn’t mysteriously lost my deductive reasoning skills a month ago.

Sorry for the hiatus. I caught pneumonia and died for 4 weeks.

So, a Russian circus bear doing a road gig in Kyrgyzstan (yeah, it’s a place; I was surprised too) attacked and killed his trainer during rehearsals late last month, nearly severing both legs, then brutally mauled another trainer, leaving him in critical condition, before being shot to death by police. There’s a few reasons I don’t find this very surprising.

First, I’m not sure it’s outside a bear’s nature to act aggressively when it feels threatened. In fact, I’m really not sure it’s outside of my nature. Frankly, if I were raised in a cage by bear overlords, poked with sticks and whipped until I was taught to ice skate, then had the damn animals strapping skates to my feet every evening so their fat bear cub children could point and laugh while I promenaded naked for them around a ring, I might grow slightly aggressive as well (or aroused, but there’s not a huge amount of difference between those two emotions.) Of course, bears are much more in tune with their natural instincts than we are. If I knew that the whole time I was being forced into this humiliating routine I should be on my fat ass watching crappy sitcoms in a climate controlled room, I’d be doubly pissed off.

Second, what the hell is going on in Russia? PETA’s suing animal sanctuaries in this country for not giving enough back massages to the chimpanzees in a 24 hour period, and Russia’s got naked bears on ice skates? Well, count me in when they get to baboons and koalas playing bumper car polo (I’ve got an idea for a one act.)

Finally, I do agree with the decision to execute the animal on the spot. I’m sure the act was premeditated.  ”No, no. That’s it, fuck this. Next time that asshole straps a pair of skates on my feet, I’m going to rip his goddamn legs off.”

Last week, a 22 year old journalism student was caught riding the train without a ticket in Berlin. Naturally, his reaction when he was thrown off the train was to attempt to moon the staff that ejected him. Apparently, he succeeded in pressing his hams to the glass of the nearest window, but failed to clear the door properly. When the door closed, the train left the station, and the poor fellow was two cheeks to the wind, hanging from his pants as the train left the station. He was dragged over two hundred meters (that’s over 2 acres, or 2 football fields) from the station and along the tracks. The event ended when a passenger pulled the emergency brake. Amazingly, the young man and his ass were virtually unscathed, save a few cuts and bruises. Rescue services were called, and the one hour delay interrupted 23 other train routes. He faces multiple charges and potential compensation to the railway for the delays. Let’s investigate the successes and mistakes of the young man whose ass stopped twenty four trains.

First, a moon can be a glorious way to express oneself to the world from a moving vehicle. However, if you are going to moon in a static locale, you have to consider environmental factors. Who will be my viewers? What is my escape route? Am I at home or near an elementary school? The impulse to wave your ass in the air cannot supersede any consideration of consequence. A rail platform hardly seems a good venue for mooning, considering the high likelihood of law enforcement or simply angry mothers in the area, not to mention surveillance cameras.

Next, we have clothing logistics. How was the man’s clothing arranged such that the door took a firm grip while his ass was pressed to a window? He must have blatantly ignored all wardrobe issues during the adrenaline rush of having that cold glass pressed against his cheeks. Train mooning is no time for amateur hour, especially if you want to have contact with the train during the moon. Lesson 2: If you think you’re going to moon near an automatic door, you should probably leave your tassels and judicial robes at home.

Finally, we have to fault the staff of the train in this cursory investigation. How was the man dragged 200 meters before the e-brake was pulled, by a PASSENGER, no less, while trained staff was standing by watching the turnstile hopper flap in the wind? 50 meters, maybe. 100, ok. But 200? I’ll tell you how – hysterical laughter coupled with zoo-like monkey cage taunting. I’m sure the attendants yelled all sorts of colorful Germanic phrases at the lad while doubling over in laughter. “JA! Jour arsenstezein eins en doorzen! Shiza video!” and whatnot. I wouldn’t be surprised if, once all the facts have surfaced in what will surely be a closely followed international investigation, we find out that one or two of the railway attendants waved their asses at the young man through the window while pantomiming being stuck in a door. Surely they were occupied with SOMETHING if a passenger was the first to declare that enough was enough and pull the curtain on the morning spectacle.

I hope you can all take something away from this event that you can practically apply the next time you decide it’s time to expose your glory to the world. Moon responsibly, everyone.

Next week: How to expose your genitals while peddling a bicycle.

I’m not sure who you are or if I’ve ever known a Jack Trades, however, i’ve decided after monitoring your status updates on the Facebook that you are, in fact, a moron. If I ever meet you in real life, prepare yourself for the harshest ear-boxing you’ve ever received, which is saying much I’m sure, since you must receive at least four or five a week.
Sincerely,
Magilla Gorilla
Fri at 9:43am · Delete

While I appreciate the cordiality of your exhaustively numerous correspondences this formality is simply not appropriate for a man who has shared such a long and intimate relationship with you, your family, your wife and on certain cold winter nights, your dogs. I understand full well your consternation and the frustration you must surely feel at having your most recent screenplay “The life and times of my dick” rejected by every major studio on top of discovering that you have contracted, most likely from me, a rare form of genital warts. That being said I must politely insist you put a stop to your letter writing campaign of hatred, or I shall be forced to send to your mother the photographs we discussed in our last correspondence.
Love,
Dr. Jack Trades

Don’t grow saucy with me, sir. I do not believe you appreciate the tumultuous havoc I can wreak on your petty, miserable existence with a simple call to the gubernatorial mansion politely regarding pictures of a certain tryst in the desert between a handsome young lad looking very much like the governor’s son and a well endowed stranger with a zorro mask stretched ear to ear across his eyes, wearing his hair like a savage with an eerie, toothy grin standing betwixt the lad’s buttocks. I dare say the mask would render said endowed stranger unidentifiable, if not for a well-exposed Edward Gorey tattoo caught in the flashbulb as the masked stranger tans the young man’s hide with a riding crop.
If I were this stranger, I would be careful discussing who contracted which disease from who at last winter’s carnival, and I would certainly be careful about which compromising photographs involving a friend’s honest (albeit intimate and disturbing) love for his neighbor’s miniature pony I threatened to publish.
I shall remind you as well, sir, that you promised you were photographing only for personal use, and any other use of said photos would be a breach of trust.
I will finish by proudly stating I am not yet finished shopping that screenplay, and you will eat crow when you are left off the invite list for the premiere (which you will certainly be invited to).
Sincerely,
Banana Rama
Fri at 10:44am · Delete

Fri at 11:07am

That’s right, your bohemian friend was with you that evening, not I, as I had a previous engagement at the aquarium. I later petitioned him for the photographs, influencing his decision with aged scotch and a very calm and open-minded wombat. So you see sir, it is you, not I, whose weight the web cannot bear.
I have already requested the petting zoo dates off from work. I am hopelessly excited.
Sincerely,
Mr. Talleymon
Fri at 11:36am · Delete

On a related note please bring your bolt cutters to the Zoo photo shoot this October as damaged my last pair entering the kennel near montopolis street yesterday evening.
Love,
Dr. Jack Trades
Fri at 12:17pm

Sincerely,
Sir Bedwick of South Wales

While searching for a sweet deal on a length of rope, a half box of assault rifle shells, and a gorilla costume on Austin Craig’s List, I found the below listing in the barter section. Let’s peruse the items this fine gentleman (or sexy lady, perhaps?) has up on the trading block:** Wide variety of things to choose from **
Things I have:
Jagermeister 2007 music tour poster featuring Stone Sour (Awww! That’s the last one I need for my collection!)
Empty Cassette tape holders (Wore out the Van Halen tapes. Will work for any cassette, though.)
Brand new SUV cover. I bought it for my Ford exlporer but never used it. Model – Coverite, SUV-E (Required pulling out of box. Directions were not explicit about this.)
Usher Raymond movie poster (I only use Usher’s full name. I don’t believe in this one word name bullshit).
Nebraska and Michigan AlamoBowl poster from 2005 (Collector’s edition.)
2 dual DJ cd players Numark & Denon (one works/ the other the laser needs replacing) – This is a package deal. (Repeat – WILL NOT SEPARATE THE PAIR. Bought to DJ weddings. Unfortunately, did not accept cassettes, and I don’t do CD’s.)
cable box (You will owe cable company $110 in my name.)
2 satellite boxes (You will owe Dish Network AND DirectTV $200 in my name.)
Pickup/delivery of your large items or help moving (…them to my house.)
Little Cash (Will trade cash for stuff. It’s a system I’m working on. Kind of like bartering.)
Custom Dallas Cowboys stadium mural $800 value (8ft tall, 12ft wide) (Doesn’t work in my new place, since my walls are 7 feet tall, 7 feet wide.Value of this gorgeous artwork is deteriorating since they opened the new stadium.)
Eric Johnson and Adrian Belew vinyl concert poster (That’s right. Eric Johnson and Adrian Belew.)
New Mini dishwasher (will trade almost anything for this) (Product doesn’t wash cats well, which is why I got it. Will need to clean out hair clogs before usage. – What the hell is a mini dishwasher???)
Suzuki Gxsr 600 motor, ‘01 (Bike surrounding engine was locked to post.)
A Guide on how to find a good man (written by a man) and some Good advice (Found it at the bus station. Changed my life. I’ll never read a book on how to pick up men by a woman again. What the hell do they know?)
Dallas Cowboys 4 x 6 actual turf plaque (Between this and the stadium mural, my goal was to trip balls during cowboys games and simulate being at the game. It worked a little too well. I got a hundred hours community service for tackling my neighbor wearing nothing but my Cowboys helmet.)
Concert tickets (Which one? FUCK YOU that’s which one!)
Basic trustworthy handyman work (Basic plumbing, electrical, lawn, etc… Honey due items) (Because the best way to find a trustworthy handyman is to find some asshole bartering his Cowboys crap away, then ask him if he’ll tile your kitchen.)
NEW Pioneer CD Receiver w/ HD radio…IPOD/CD/MP3/WMA + detachable (Pioneer Premier DEH-P401HD) (Also included – part of a wiring kit for a Chevy Silverado hanging off the back)
NWT #31 Dallas Cowboys Roy Williams jersey (Awww! That’s right! I was wearing the jersey when I tackled that bitch too! That would have helped in court.)
Guitar (Handcrafted by traditional Sears luthiers.)
30 day Body cleanser kit (Note – 25 minutes of kit used. Remaining 29.9 days untouched.)
Almost new childs walker (Winnie the Pooh) (cost $50) (Child extra. Make an offer.)

Things I want:Screenprinting equipment, (Tired of paying markup on Van Halen T-shirts)
T-shirts screenprinted,  (Don’t know how to use my new screen printing set)
Patio built, (Will trade two posters and fix your sink for this.)
Basketball goal (good condition for grown-ups), (What do you think I am, a child? Hells no! I’m a grown-up playing grown-up sports! And I don’t want it if you backed over it with your car. Fuck that.)
Gift cards (Itunes, Walmart, Sams, Dept., Grocery), (This guy shops at Walmart?)
Wood work on a bus, (I’m going to take a stab at this… he wants a woodworking kit he can use on the bus while riding around town all day. It would make more sense if he’s homeless. Then again, why would he need a patio?)

Paint spraygun, (To paint “Capital Metro” on my new van.)
New tennis shoes/ size 11, (Traded mine for an old bicycle. Hurts like hell barefoot. Didn’t think that through.)
Cement added to 12 x 12 slab, (Slab has some cement. Not enough cement. This does NOT count as a patio!)
Katana 750 motor installed, (How do you end up with so many motors if you don’t want to install them?)
Car paint job, (Will trade Roy Williams Jersey.)
Solar screen, (One will do. Only got the one window.)
Fence painted, (I’m way to busy to tackle this one.)
Install glass sliding door, (Drove my previous golf cart through the old one.)